


maternity leave

by fourhorsemen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drunk Charlie, Drunk Dean, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, Gen, Humor, Pregnancy Scares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-23
Updated: 2015-02-23
Packaged: 2018-03-14 18:40:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3421430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourhorsemen/pseuds/fourhorsemen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You're my baby daddy," Dean said solemnly and Cas stared at him, nonplussed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	maternity leave

"OH! Oh! I know!" Charlie squealed and Dean stared wide-eyed at her madly grinning face, his mouth slack and little drunken hiccups tumbling out every so often. 

"Wh-whaat?" he slurred and blinked rapidly and flapped his hand at Charlie 2 so she'd go away. He just wanted one Charlie. 

"You should- you should-" she gasped for breath after her enthusiastic and suspenseful repetition of the two words. She stared around the store dazedly and her eyes lit up at the first thing she saw on the shelf on the counter by the cashier. She stumbled madly towards it.

"You should take a pregnancy test!" she said and grabbed a box, holding it up in the air victoriously. Dean looked at her in amazement and grinned widely. She giggle-snorted and shoved the box at him and he burst into happy laughter.

"Thatttt- That is the _best idea ever_!" he exclaimed and flopped all over Charlie in an attempt at a hug. Charlie's body tilted back precariously and then she shoved him back with a grunt. She wiped the tears from her eyes as she continued giggling uncontrollably.

"W-wait!" she whispered and clumsily put the box on the counter where three amused looking cashiers rung the three tests up. Three? Dean stared in confusion. Why did the store have THREE cashiers and when did Charlie pick up two more boxes? 

Charlie emptied the contents of her wallet and dragged Dean out the door. Dean stumbled along after her to the gas station outside. 

"Wh-where you goin'?" he asked loudly into Charlie's ear. 

"Bathroooom," she slurred and hiccuped, turning to grin at him and then almost tripping over herself. He grinned dopily.

"Thas, thas smaaaart. Charlie youuu're smart," he drawled lazily and Charlie squeaked a happy "I know!" before they were stumbling into the bathroom.

"In there!" she said and ushered him in.

"W-wait, is it mens??" he asked confusedly. She scoffed. 

"Men cant have babies, handmaiden!" she yelled in his face and he blinked. 

"Ohh.. oh right," he said, snorted at the thought and then frowned.

"But then why am I- why am _**I** _ doing it?" he slurred and stumbled to keep up with Charlie who was trying to push him into a stall.

"I- I dunno. You're my handmaiden," she said, bewildered and they stared at each other for a while.

"Hokay," Dean said promptly and took the box from Charlie. He turned towards the toilet and Charlie closed the door behind him. 

He opened the box and the test stick fell out, he squawked and dropped to his knees trying to find it. He heard Charlie say something but not the words. He gave a triumphant yell when he found the stick.

He picked it up and unzipped his pants with his other hand. 

"Okkk, ok I'm doing it!" He said excitedly.

"Yayyyyyy," he heard Charlie squeal. 

He peed on the stick, except most of it got on the floor and his shoes. That was alright, as long as he peed on the stick too. He smiled. 

" _Areeee youuu donnneee?_ " Charlie whined and banged a fist on the door.

"Waiiit, I think. I think you have to wait," he said, remembering that the stick didn't tell you yes or no until you waited a while. He was smart too, he thought happily. 

"Ohhh yeah," Charlie said understandingly and they both waited. Until Charlie got bored and opened the stall, telling Dean to zip up his pants because " _ewww, man parts_ " and then asking him what the stick said.

Dean peered at it. It was blue..., a blue _**PLUS**?!_ Plus means yes! Dean gaped and dropped the stick. 

"Charlie!" he exclaimed. 

"What," she gasped.

" _Charrliiiee_ ," he said again. 

" _Whhhhhaatttt_ ," she said, frowning at the stick which was on the floor.

"'m pregnant," he whispered loudly. Charlie stared at him uncomprehendingly then looked at the stick and back up at him. Then her face broke into a grin and she screeched.

"YOU'RE PREEEGNANNNNTTT?  _WehavetotellCas_!" 

Dean stumbled and nearly fell flat on his face when Charlie yanked his arm and dragged him out the bathroom. He didn't really hear anything she said but "Cas" and that was okay. He liked Cas. He would go with her to see Cas. 

 

* * *

 

" _Pssst_ , goooo, go tell him. I'll waiit... outside," she whispered and shoved him at the door. He looked at the door for a long time, trying to find the button thing that made a sound... the bell? He gave up and banged on the door. 

"CAAAASS, Cas. I haveta- haveta tell you somefin" he yelled, his words kinda garbled because it was hard to talk because his tongue was all...  _slow_ and stuff. 

" _CAAAAASSSTEEEL!!!_ " he yelled again, knocking on the door harder until suddenly his hand hit something not door-like.

"Dean?" he heard Cas say and he looked at him and smiled adoringly.

"Yeppp, that's me," he said and Cas winced when he leaned into him and Cas sniffed at him. Why'd Cas sniff at him? He thought in confusion. 

"You're intoxicated," he said and Dean nodded heavily.

"Intox-intoxcationed," he repeated and Cas sighed, pulling him inside.

"I'll get you some water," he said and started to walk off but Dean grabbed his sleeve, remembering what Charlie had said.

"WAIT! Waiiit! I have to tell you somfin," he slurred. Cas turned and Dean lost his grip on his sleeve, he tripped and fell to his knees. He looked up at Cas, who in turn stared down at him worriedly.

"You're-" he started then hiccuped. Cas started to bend down but Dean grabbed at his hand. 

"You're my baby daddy," Dean said solemnly and Cas stared at him, nonplussed. What if- what if Cas didn't want the baby? Dean gasped in horror and bit his lip which began to wobble.

"I need you Caaaas, _I need you!_ " he said desperately and made grabby motions at him. Cas bent towards him but Dean's world blurred and he fell on his back. He mumbled a string of words, heard Castiel's voice distantly and then the world went black.

 

* * *

 

" _Urghhhh_ " he groaned and put his head in his hands.

" _Mrhghhhhjg_ ," Charlie groaned back at him where she was sitting across from him at Castiel's dining table. 

"Good morning to you both," Castiel said in cruel amusement and they both groaned back. Dean slowly raised his head. 

"What- what did we even do last night Charlie?" he asked hoarsely. 

"Got smashed," Charlie mumbled back. Dean snorted and then winced because ow, laughing hurt.

"Yeah, I know. Captain Obvious. What _else_?" he insisted. 

"I dunno... I remember a gas station and giving a cashier all my money," she said pitifully, looking at him with eyes ringed with dark circles.

"Gas station... what..." he said and rubbed his eyes tiredly. He didn't remember any of that. He turned to Cas, who was putting a mug of coffee in front of each of them. Dean sighed in relief. Cas was an _angel_. 

"What about you? Do you remember what we did after we came bangin' at your door - sorry about that by the way," Dean said, embarrassed. Castiel patted Dean consolingly on the shoulder and then smiled indulgently. 

"Not much, you told me I was the father of your child," he said nonchalantly and Charlie choked on her coffee. Dean's breath hitched and he stared wide-eyed at her. She looked up slowly and guiltily.

" _ **OH**_ ," she said, the light dawning in her absolutely horrified eyes. 

" _OH?_ What do you mean _**OH?!**_ " he said indignantly.

"Okay so like... I kind of convinced you to take a pregnancy test," she mumbled really quickly. 

"You made me _WHAT?!_ " he screeched and groaned when it made a stabbing burst of pain lance through his skull.

"It was a joke! A joke!" she said, raising her hands in surrender. Dean glared at her. He turned to look at Cas, who was anything if not amused. Dean felt his face heat in mortification. 

"What exactly... did I say?" he asked weakly.

"You told me I was your 'baby daddy' and that you needed me," he said calmly and Dean choked on thin air.

"Oh. Okay- okay," he said miserably and took a big gulp of coffee. Suddenly, a phone beeped, loudly. Dean winced and glared at Charlie when she took out her phone. 

She _eep_ -ed in distress at what she saw on the phone and gulped when Dean looked at her in wary interest. 

"So uhm..." she said and trailed off. Dean glared.

"Spit it out," he said through gritted teeth.

"I texted Sam the good news last night," she said and Dean felt his face practically burst into flames. His next words were said in a grave, dark tone.

"Charlie Bradbury, you are dead to me."

 

* * *

 

_9:32 AM_

**SAM:**  oh my god i cant believe it! i'm gonna be an uncle! 

_9:57 AM_

**BENNY:** can i be the godfather

_10:11 AM_

**JO:** whens the baby shower?  

_10:17 AM_

**GARTH:** congrats bro! 

_10:32 AM_

**LISA:** call me if u need any tips! :-) ps ben says hi

_11:02 AM_

**BOBBY:** penciled you in for maternity leave, idgit

**Author's Note:**

> Absolutely pointless humor/fluff. One minute I was reading mpreg, then this happened. Enjoy.  
> (God was I tempted to tag this a series but I know I won't be able to make good on that promise.)


End file.
